Healing from a Dysfunctional Childhood
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End the cycle.
Healing from and ending the cycle of generational trauma can be difficult, but with work, is entirely achievable.
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (2021), more than two thirds of children experience at least one traumatic event by the age of 16.
When the average person thinks about the concept of trauma, images of war, murder, and violence may be the first to come to mind, but it is important to understand that trauma is a much broader concept than this. Trauma can also be generational in nature, meaning that it is passed down from one family member to the next as part of a given family’s cultural schema.
Often, this is the result of a specific, traumatic event experienced by someone in a family that ultimately dictates the ways in which family members interact with both one another and the world around them for years to come. This way of being becomes ingrained in various familial roles and can lay the foundation for familial dysfunction that can spread decades when left unaddressed.
As the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Though it is a large part of the battle, simply being aware of maladaptive interpersonal patterns of communication within your family won’t undo generations of dysfunction. Knowledge is power, but healing requires hard work. As a result, here are some tips for coping with the newly discovered dysfunction:
Practice Empathy: Consider what motives your parents or attachment figures have for their dysfunctional behavior patterns, witness the fear underlying those behaviors, and stay curious about your own fears.
Keep an Emotional Distance: Enter tough conversations with openness and as neutral a mindset as possible.
Practice Using an Even Tone of Voice: Human beings naturally respond more and more quickly to tone of voice and body language than we do to actual language, so a warm, pleasant, yet still matter-of-fact voice is the best to use in tough conversations.
Anticipate Defensiveness: Chances are good that bringing up CCRTs and asking for a change in communication dynamics will not initially be met with openness and understanding; it is good practice to anticipate the ways in which attachment figures may respond when you begin to bring up patterns of dysfunction.
Plan for the Pause: It is often difficult to remain empathetic and neutral when discussing patterns of behavior that have been hurtful or otherwise triggering, so it is best to have a plan for pausing the conversation, apologizing when merited, and agreeing to resume the discussion at a later time.
Of course, just coping isn’t an effective place to stay if you are interested in truly changing the dysfunctional schemas your family has adopted over the years. In popular culture, many individuals speak proudly about breaking generational curses and removing the chains of psychic bondage that have held their family back from realizing its true collective potential.
As a result, try the following when you are ready to move forward with the difficult, yet necessary, work of re-writing the script for the benefit of present and future generations:
Consult a Professional: There are many counselors out there who specialize in family therapy and family systems. When you and your loved ones are ready to root out the dysfunction, enlist the help of one of these professionals to ensure an objective, third-party mediator is present when empathy inevitably gets tough.
Involve Siblings and Significant Others: In families, siblings often play different roles designed to fulfill various family scripts, so presenting a united front against CCRTs and their consequences, as they relate to the family’s level of optimal functioning, is important. Significant others also often act out roles within families that they were unaware they signed up to play, so they, too, frequently have a stake in being on board when it comes to shifting the family dynamics.
Initiate Constructive Conversations: Once you have the skills and support to address your experiences head on, plan a specific date, time and place to have these difficult discussions. Having a specific plan makes it less likely that either you or your attachments figure(s) will cancel or avoid the conversation.
Plan Countermoves: Much like during the coping phase, the change phase will require you to plan for what can go wrong. You will want to invest time with your counselor and/or support system exploring possible reactions and rebuttals your parent or attachment figure may have to your direct communication about the family’s dysfunction. Then, use this safe space to create a subsequent plan of countermoves for addressing those reactions.
Negotiate the Future: Once you are able to have constructive conversations, full of empathy and grounded in logic, begin negotiating the future by requesting specific changes in behavior. Regardless of the requested change, remember to stay open-minded and oriented towards new solutions that feel good for everyone involved.
Sources:
Allen, D. (2018). Coping with critical, demanding, and dysfunctional parents: Powerful strategies to help adult children maintain boundaries and stay sane. Oakland. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
DeMaria, R., Weeks, G. R., & Twist, M. L. C. (2017). Focused genograms : Intergenerational assessment of individuals, couples, and families (2nd ed) New York. Routledge.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Center for Behavioral Statistics and Quality (2021). Understanding child trauma. Retrieved from: https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/understanding-child-trauma
By
Bethany Moore, CMHC Intern at Forward Counseling
